Vagabond Thoughts

So me actually posting on this LJ is all a_lifestyle's fault for rec-ing GW fic to me (that is amazing) and generally getting my mind working on fandom-fueled processes. And what with the new Depeche Mode album that's out (oh jesus, why plot bunnies, WHY?), I decided to follow suit with the meme she posted...

1. How about a brief introduction to yourself?

Okay, so when I was 16 years old (which was, um...a while ago), I started writing slash after getting into mainstream fanfic. I subsequently discovered that I really liked TEH GAY, so I came up with name "Haze." I thought this was very clever at the time, because you know, my identity was... wait for it... OBSCURED. Wow.

These days, I just go by the name of my website, "Decayed Cotton Candy," if I need to refer to myself by a pseudonym; but I rarely post in communities or converse w/ people where I need to sign my e-mail as something/someone. So that's me.


2. Fabulous! And what got you into fanfiction to begin with?

I played that life changing game FF7 and started reading/writing fanfic on this message board "Squaresoft HQ." I started writing this EPIC (AWFUL) fanfic that was seriously like, 100+ pages long in Word, and then discovered that I really liked the Turks. So then I started reading about them, and then, of course, it struck me that Reno and Rude were gay for each other. And the dark atmosphere of FF7 drew me in and never released me, even to this day.

And of course there was always "Yaoi no Hentais." OLD school repre-S-E-N-T.


3. I see, so, what kind of fanfiction do you like to write?

Slash. I occasionally write genfic and shoujo-ai, and more rarely, het-fic. But as the case may be with me, I'd say I generally write stuff that could be termed "weird!fic" - working Bjork lyrics directly into a narrative with metaphors about Jesus or writing an entire POV in a pseudo-rhyming scheme. It brings the LOLZ.

My fics are dysfunction junction. Someone's always getting fucked awkwardly in a bath tub or whatever, always with Depeche Mode playing in the background.


4. Do you tend to write the same pairings / characters? Or are you a fandom whore?

Weelll...I notoriously stay in fandoms so long that it's embarrassing. But I do go outside my comfort zones every so often. I got into Yami no Matusei a few years ago and started writing a pairing that apparently about 5 people write. That seems to happen a lot. But I have been loyal to Reno/Rude and Trowa/Heero for a LONG ass time. And if you want to get really specific, Tifa/Cloud.


5. What is your most popular fanfic, and why do you think people like it so?

Oh boy...uhh...probably this really long fic that I wrote in 2001 for a contest on Silent Passion called "Whatever the Reasons." I'm not going to get all self deprecating now and be a shrinking violet, because people did like it which is really cool. It did have its redeeming qualities, although now it makes me want to WITHER AND DIE INSIDE a little bit.

I think people liked it mainly because it was a really long 1x3/3x1, and there aren't a lot of those out there.


6. Forget other people, what is the fanfic you’ve written you’re most proud of?

Okay, so even though I've written a crapload of stuff for Gundam Wing, the fic I am probably most proud of because I nailed my idea on the head (which doesn't happen a lot), is "Where Do You Want To Go?", a Reno/Rude fic that I wrote over the course of about two days with the Orbital song "Shadows" on repeat the ENTIRE TIME.


7. Do you find writing easy? Hard? What are the most difficult aspects of writing you struggle with?

Sometimes I just sit there with my flaccid keyboard and get frustrated. Sometimes I churn out obscenely long fics in a week because I write for days at a time without sleeping. (Have you ever tried staying awake for 48 hours? It's oddly calming.) But I'd have to say the most difficult aspect of writing for me - fandom and non - is inferiority complexes. I have a love/hate relationship with just about everything I write. I'm rarely satisfied, if ever, and it's more a measure of "does this suck in a tolerable way?" or "does this suck and I WANT TO BURN IT AS I SELF IMMOLATE BECAUSE I'M NOT WORTH THE PIXELS THESE TYPED WORDS ARE MADE OF SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM."

...Like I said, love/hate.


8. Write a few sentences or so of your favorite pairing or character.

Oh Jesus. I'll come back to this one.


9. Are there any fanfiction trends/clichés you can’t stand or are just sick of?

I hate fics where the characters do things that overly sentimental and completely out of canon. For me, I love writing for characters that I think are complex, and 99% of the time, I just don't see the same depth of characterization if the story is *completely* divorced from the canon. A character's identity is so wrapped up in context that I just don't think their inner machinations can be explored if there's no context. And without context, I see fics where characters do stupid shit that is like, so boring to me, because it lacks the intrigue of the original TOTAL package. I can handle AU's if there is some link back to the source material in a way that makes sense to me (or if I get REALLY DESPERATE for a 1x3/3x1). There are definitely AU's I thought were awesome. Or if someone explicitly states the fic is non-canon but still retains a link to the world of whatever-series, fine.

As for actual trends...well, back in the day, horrible WAFFy GW fics that were just like...I don't even have the words. There is no phrase, word, or series of words that can describe the horror of sappy GW fics.

Let's see...clichés. Hm, all the standard GW character clichés which I'm sure I don't even need to describe. And more specifically, Reno as psychopath/slut/etc. and Rude as his LONG SUFFERING COMEDIC RELIEF ROFLZ. I mean, Reno and Rude's relationship can be hilarious, but Rude gets so little play. Poor Rude. He's just not as pretty. And related to that: people that try to make Rude pretty. It's just awkward... Look guys, he's a bald dude who kills people for a living. He's not cute. He's not hot in an anime-pretty-boy kind of way. HE'S JUST FUCKING BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER. Deal with it.

Must stop now.


10. Are you guilty of any of the fanfiction trends/clichés you now hate? Or any other ones?

Yeeahh...I'm always so afraid of making my GW fics mawkish and silly. I underestimate the capacity of the characters to do truly bad acts. I like the idea that it's possible to write Heero, for example, as someone capable of things that suspend the ability for someone to go, "But aw, he's really good at heart. Remember the teddy bear?" I'm guilty of that. It's bad. Also, my first few fics were a hot mess. I know some of them are still floating out there, unfortunately. Horrifying. The first few FF7 fics I wrote were AWFUL beyond compare. Oh man, hurt/comfort, omgziloveu, I'M SO TIRED OF THE KILLING RUDE, SO TIRED, SO SUICIDAL, etc. And GW...yeah, not gonna lie, I totally used the phrase "Omae o korosu" in one of my fics. Vom.


11. What was the first fandom you wrote for? Do you still like, participate in it?

Final Fantasy 7, baby. And yeah, I do. Back in 1998, there were like, three of us. No joke. And then when Advent Children came out nearly a decade later, it inspired this whole new Reno/Rude following. There's a really good LJ community dedicated to the pairing with fics that are actually quality. So exciting. Although FF7 fandom had some of the best writers I've ever fucking seen, even to this day.


12. Name your OTPs or most frequently written pairings/characters and explain what it is about them you love to write.

Okay, I am pre-editing myself. I am NOT going to write a thesis.

Heero/Trowa: Number one reason: the road trip guys. The fucking European road trip. Oh man...okay. So they're similar in some ways, yeah, but that is not what fuels my love of this pairing at all; it's the exact opposite. I think on the surface, they appear similar, but they're almost polar opposites. I think that fans get it wrong when they depict Heero as having no emotions (I respect the execution, I just disagree). To me, he's more of... a_lifestyle were discussing the new Star Trek movie, and she was saying she thought it was so cool how Data is portrayed as being extremely emotional and then dealing with the repression of those emotions, rather than the reverse of trying to learn how to have emotions. This is how I see Heero, and I think Trowa is exactly the opposite. But they have similar histories in the sense that they have both been bred for combat, granted: one intentionally and the other just because it was a way of life, which the other characters really don't share. Not even Duo, because even though Duo has the traumatic childhood, he was never a soldier. (I know who I'd put my money on if child-Trowa and child-Duo ever got into a scrap.) So it's like, as a pairing, it might be expected that either Trowa would fail to inspire a spark between them because he's so dispassionate, or that Heero would dominate Trowa. But it doesn't happen; there is something about Trowa's understanding of Heero that I think could potentially set Heero on uneven footing if put into a certain situation, but the awesome part is that Trowa doesn't even care that much. He seems to be more interested in figuring himself out and grappling with having an actual purpose and relationships, which obviously doesn't come easily to him.

So when put together, it's like, there's potentially so much controlled conflict that it's awesome. It's like potential restrained, underlying conflict, which is my favorite kind.

Reno/Rude: Love the partner/friend set-up to the nth degree. Love the potential Reno's irreverent attitude could have on Rude's response to him; love the possibility of various back stories. Reno is a character that can be written any variety of ways, because it's sort of left open in the game. Generally, I grew to really love the fics that focused on Shinra. There was a distinct set of fanfic writers in the late 90's that exclusively focused on Shinra/Turk fic, both genfic and slash. The whole atmosphere surrounding Reno and Rude is what inspires and maintains my love of this pairing; the grit that goes along with Reno and Midgar, and Rude's relationship with it. To me, Reno is the center of this pairing; his personality and the way he's written dictates how the pairing will play out. I love the idea of Rude being subdued, but being one of the only people who can dominate Reno without really trying, and Reno willingly submitting because he understands it as part of their dynamic. And yeah, Reno IS pretty. Hot visual. There's a lot more to this, but I'm going to run out of Interwebz if I don't stop typing now.

I'm going to go out on a limb here...and not go into tons of detail because I've already written way too much...but the three other pairings I fucking love are Dorothy/Relena, Quatre/Trowa (oh boy) and Tatsumi/Watari.

Sorry. Guess I wrote a thesis after all.


13. What would you call your writing “style?”

Dark. Descriptive. Atmospheric. Dysfunctional.


14. Do you read other people’s fanfic? If so, what do you find yourself reading the most?

Of course. Honestly, if you write fanfic and don't read fanfic, you are King Tool, with your throne in a tool shed, holding a tool scepter.

Anyway, I like really poignant one-shots that hit me like a ton of bricks and leave me feeling uncomfortable for days, because my understanding of the characters or what they're capable of has completely been demolished. Awesome.

I read multi-part fics if they hold my attention, but usually if they do, they become some of my favorites. Notable multi-parts to me that I still go back to, years and years later, are: "I Know What's Beneath the Snowfields," "The Conscience of the King," and "The Arrangement."


15. Name one thing you’d LOVE to write, but have been to afraid or shy to do.

More kink. Bondage. Loved the kink meme, even though I never wrote anything for it. Did make some requests though.

Cowboy Bebop fic. Even though it's blasphemous.


16. Do you have trouble taking criticism? Or worse yet, do you have the dreaded bloated ego?

Just the opposite. I welcome harsh criticism. I want someone with high expectations to read my fics and tell me why they're awful. But not stupid feedback like, "DIS FIC SUX CUZ HERO ISNT WITH DUO." Frankly, it's flattering to get intensive criticism no matter how brief, because it means someone took that extra time to really think about your fic. The worst thing I could imagine writing is something that can't even be criticized because it's so lacking in substance. I'm pretty analytical; I'll evaluate criticism that comes from outside my own point of view, and if I agree, I'll either re-work the fic or scrap it completely if I think it's a bastardization of my original idea.

One of the most important abilities I've developed as a writer is the ability to write something and then delete the file without hesitation or fear. To me, this is proof that my idea is more important than what I wrote, and that I could write it again and write it even better if I wanted to.


17. When you write, is there anything that helps? Music? Quiet room?

Music is ESSENTIAL. Every one of my fics, no joke, has a song attached to it. I don't really pay attention to lyrics (unless it's Bjork or certain Depeche Mode songs with lyrics I think are uncannily capable of dictating a narrative); it's the sound and mood.


18. What inspires you?

Depeche Mode. Dark bars. Awkward encounters. Feelings of dread and/or sadness. Nostalgia. Flashing airport towers. Isolation. Moments or passages in other fanfics that give me feelings of something twisting in my gut. Stories I write in my head while half asleep. Dreams. Fragments of conversations on the street. Traveling alone.


19. Lastly, how would you sum up your fanfiction experiences and yourself as a writer?

Generally positive. Only one thing: I don't like snotty writers, even if they're really good, and I've encountered my fair share of those.

Self-summary as a writer? A bit conflicted, though I've grown out of that a lot.


20. Tag some friends, because they’ll hate you for it.

Naw, cause I have like, one friend in the fandom at this point.

There are not enough hours in the day. I spend my days at work, my evenings doing necessary evils like laundry and the like, and my nights reading fanfic (with the occasional desperate bout of googling some variation of "Trowa/Heero", though thanks to recent and high-quality recs, that has been somewhat unnecessary lately). Of course I'm all "I'm going to bed at 11pm" and now it's 2:30am and I'm still up browsing older fic. For fuck's sake. You'd think that this was my full time job; I don't think I'd enjoy half as much if it was, however.

I was looking through some older drabbles that I had lying around, and there was this one that I'm interested in building on. It was a random R+D that I started years and years ago (like everything else GW-related these days), but it was sort of an interesting beginning. I think I want to continue it. Maybe one of these days when I have time and energy (these things never seem to coincide).

You know, so many of my friends are into other fandoms. I need to expand. I get so comfortable with one thing and then I work within that web for a LONG TIME (this is a consistent theme in my every day life as well as fandom). Oh boy.

Thank you to everyone who provided general recommendations for some excellent fic.

Now I ask for the near-impossible (at least it was near-impossible a few years ago): please send me links for 1x3/3x1 fics that you have read and adored. Or that you think were semi-decent and liked the tiniest bit. Or maybe that even sucked.

In fact, if you know of any, please direct me to fics that have anything to do with 1x3/3x1 in any way, shape, or form. They're a little difficult to find. I am experiencing a craving... perhaps more accurately described as an addict's urge.

Please?

I'm starting to get desperate. If I unwittingly run across one more unfortunate characterization of Trowa as... I don't know... pathetic? Needy? Silly? Naive (in ways that NEVER MAKE SENSE)? Etc.

Or rather, perhaps I should put it this way: the Gundam boiz (yeah, I did that) don't live in a tree house together (NB: "tree house" is interchangeable with "safe house"). They do not engage in endearing antics that, should you be a romantic comedy screenwriter attempting to draft a script wherein Jennifer Aniston is the main character, would make perfect plot devices for your movie. These can include, but are not limited, to the following:

--Duo playing pranks involving recurring tagline phrases and/or "glee" of any kind.
--Lighthearted plot lines that degenerate into "dark" emo sludge that a teenage girl listening to Bright Eyes will cry over.
--Cute personality quirks such as a penchant for sparkly things, absent-minded clumsiness ("Omgz Hero UR SUCH A SPAZ LOLZ"), and/or anything involving kittens.
--Any character being "hyper" off of sugar. Ever.
--Random activities that can result in endearing antics such as ice skating and falling down repeatedly, shopping for new clothes with whimsical dialog punctuating the entire scene because Character A just "doesn't know how to dress omgzzz", and endearing antics punctuated with whimsical dialog wherein the phrase "an uncomfortable stirring in his pants" is utilized.
--Shopping for tight leather pants later worn to the random gay club that exists somewhere unknown to the creators of Gundam Wing.
--Exuberant behaviorisms which border of mania. But are endearing.
--Any story using the word "chibified" as a verb. Ever.
--Disturbing behavior which is attributed to endearing, whimsical personality traits.

Etc.

Please save me. Post your recs.

All readers are different - different expectations, interpretations of character, preference for pairings, writing styles, etc. I also think that those who write have a preference of reader. In my case, and I would assume for many others as well, I desire a reader who gets what I'm trying to do in a fic, and whether they like it or not, incisively tell you what doesn't work. I guess this also translates to the never ending saga for the perfect beta reader that you click with.

I always say I want harsh crit on my fics, because a lot of times when you're totally immersed in your own idea, it's hard to step away and say "Is this really worth writing?" I don't know about other people, but for me, this is hard once I get into a mode of writing and actually communicate with other fic writers. Suddenly I get this sense of "I suck" or "Okay, this is pretty good", but these two extremes vary on what seems like a daily basis. It's hard to stay in the middle ground and have reasonable expectations for yourself, and be able to distinguish in a rational way between what you believe is accurate characterization even if others disagree, versus what is not, rather than sliding to one side of absolute "suck" or "good". Sometimes I wonder if people read my stuff and go, "Okay, yeah. But what is this person talking about? These aren't the characters I knew in the anime/game." My greatest concern is going OOC. What is the line between "I interpret character X this way" and then going so far away from the canon that it just becomes something else altogether, and who defines the line? How do you avoid falling into the pit of getting so bogged down that fear that you become so wracked with insecurity you don't even have the motivation to write anything else? I'd like to write with a modicum of balance so I don't freak out every time I finish a fic, going, "Is this shit"?

Added qt coop to the Links page. (Duh-- don't know why it wasn't there before.)

My ears won't stop popping. Being sick is always fun-- can't think straight, so no writing. Thought I'd post instead.

So this post is about two things:

1. Writing memes;
2. Sentimental dreck.

I would like for someone to explain writing memes to me, and how to join these communities. I always see the one sentence / five sentence / grid challenges / etc. but I don't completely understand how to volunteer to do one. I didn't even realize that the one sentence fics were for memes until recently; I just thought fanfic writers were picking it up as a style or exercise. So now I'm very curious, because I really like those one sentence challenges. Clearly I have not used LJ for anything other than my own narcissistic whims before now, but now my interest has been piqued.

My second question: does anyone else ever feel as if they write too much sentimentality into fic that then makes it OOC? An e-mail discussion I was having with Gleep recently got me to thinking about this. It used to really bother me-- the sentimental aspects of my fics (of which there are many), because there always seems to be this overriding sense that "everything will be okay". Which is sort of stupid to do 100% of the time. I wonder if I'm doing the characters justice, and especially doing justice to the way I want to write about them. Sentimental fanfic is all well and good, and I have enjoyed reading and writing a good bit of it myself, but am I the only one who has a conflict over this? I suddenly get this feeling that there's some part of the big picture I'm missing.

Thoughts?

I don't know why, but I've been lured right back into fandom. Now that I'm actually writing fanfic again, and coming up with new ideas (out of nowhere, and more in the plans), it's pretty refreshing. Of course, when I talk to any writer friends I have, it's a long, tedious explanation to try and explain fanfic if they don't know what it is, and why it's important to me. It sounds silly to some people, and I don't if anyone else has had this experience, but it is important to me when I write and finish something. I so rarely write prose (if at all) outside of fanfic, it's an outlet for me. Kicking off this huge ass story I finished the other night has really propelled me into the realm of actually writing an original story (I'm not very good at those). Even now when I watch a new anime, the first thing I think about afterwards a lot of times is: "Hmm...that relationship was not explored deeply enough for my liking." Hah.

Fanfic is time consuming, and maybe to some people, it's not "real writing". But it feels quite real to me. And as someone who spends a lot of their time doing just that (fanfic, fiction, or poetry), I like rambling in this journal because I miss communicating with people who get what I'm talking about. I got so out of the loop in college since I never had ANY time, EVER. But now that I'm free to act according to my own devices, just as I was before school, I find myself gravitating toward the same types of things. Maybe this time I'll actually be able to build off of writing for fandom and write something of my own. You get used to writing in fanfic mode, and after a while, whatever your goals are (I really have a hard-on for canonical characterization, if possible) end up consuming other types of comparable writing (in my case, short fiction). Or perhaps that's just me.

Either way, I don't know who's still out there or still writing for GW, Yami, Final Fantasy even...but hey. I think I'm at a point where I'm just happy to post them on my own website and let them languish until the end of time. But there are people and communities I used to share these things in common with, and it's weird-- it's like coming back to a country you lived in to find half of the trees and buildings burned out and empty. Well, okay, maybe not that dramatic...but similar. Strange. Either way, whatever everyone is up to (on my friends list, people who happen to stumble across this LJ, or whomever else), I wonder what they're doing now, and if they're still occasionally lured back to fandom. I find it to be an all encompassing thing, but I've also always been a sucker for nostalgia to a fault.

Okay, so I sort of just wrote a 65 page Heero/Trowa fic after four years (ish) of not writing any Gundam Wing fanfic. In the last week. All at once.

If anyone is interested in reading it, well, please do. I don't know if I'm going to post it anywhere, or just put it on my website. But I sort of just wrote it for myself, for the hell of it.

If anyone on my friends list who is still interested in GW and/or 1x3/3x1 can get through it, I would love any thoughts or comments. Actually, I would really like at least one other person's thoughts because for some reason I've been compelled to slave over this colossus for the last week. As to what reason, your guess is as good as mine.

Fic = The Letter

Oh yeah. And sorry if everyone in this story is a little too gay for their own good.

So I always somehow end up back in fandom. I'm not quite sure how this happens, but I guess I tend to gravitate toward the fiction that involves buttsex. You don't get a lot of that in contemporary literature...well...in most cases anyway.

For some reason I can't currently remember, I have been greedily indulging my desire for Watari/Tatsumi fanfic from Yami. I think I sat down the other day and was like "Hey, I haven't read fanfic in a while." Maybe it's all of the Final Fantasy XII I've been playing I suddenly recalled my affinity for fic, or maybe it's because I've been reading a lot of poetry and developed a random, intense interest in Japanese Noh theatre and the phrase "ichi-go ichi-e". Or maybe it's because a month or so ago I was reading through my old Gundam Wing fanfic and was compelled to arbitrarily write a random Trowa/Heero blurb out of nowhere, and it felt wonderfully fulfilling to write in entire sentences again.

Either way, I'm so pleased to be able to discover so many hidden little corners of good fic I've missed out on in the last few years. I have something other than minor worries to daydream about at work again. Maybe I'll actually write something.

At any rate, I hope everyone in this world I haven't talked in a while is doing well.

I watched Advent Children for the first time two days ago. I squealed like the repressed fangirl that I am for the entirety of two hours. I was so pleased with they way they depicted the characters; it inspired me to look back through some of my old FF7 Reno/Rude fanfic just for the hell of it. However, since AC, tons of communities dedicated to the pairing have sprung up! I am beyond excited. I used to write Reno/Rude when there was like, a grand total of 5 people or something who were into it. This is so exciting! I've already plowed through over 10 wonderful fics, some of which are just amazingly well written.

Overall, I suddenly find myself returning to my nerd roots. I haven't dealt with fanfic or gaming in over a year and a half, and although anime is still a presence in my life, I never have time to watch anything because of school.

I'm considering revising some of my old fics which aren't horrendous and re-doing my site, just for the heck of it. I need a creative distraction from my crazy senior thesis. It's interesting seeing which sites are still up, which writers are still around, and which stories I can still find by googling.

I know I haven't updated this LJ since last year, but I have checked it sporadically, and after getting a message from an ML this morning I haven't seen in ages, I decided to post.

I just wanted to wish everyone on my friends list a happy winter, regardless of what you choose to celebrate (or not celebrate).

Have a wonderful, sparkling winter!

I've been churning out YnM since last weekend like there's no tomorrow! I've already written two fics within the last two days, and I have about ten million more ideas to go. I'm approaching this differently than I did GW though.

Instead of panicking to get an idea out in order to move on to the next one, I've decided I'm going to re-write each fic idea until I finally get it to the point where it most pleases me. I've already written two Tatsumi/Watari fics that are based around Tatsumi's Tsuzuki induced guilt post-Kyoto. I might write another one.

I also really want to write this Duo fic that has been lurking in my head for, oh, about a year and a half now! It's about time I at least attempted to get it down in word format. It's actually part of the projectfromhell that I've been trying to finish for what seems like a century now. Still not a clue what I'm going to do with Heero, Wufei and Quatre's parts. Especially since I wrote Quatre's part and then scrapped it. Even though I don't hate that fic anymore, it's still not meant to go into this arc. Damn arc.

Hmm... I'm juggling too many ideas at once, but at least it's got me writing. It's so refreshing not to have my thoughts intruded upon by paranoia. I am just past caring at this point if my fics are good or not... actually this one I just wrote called "Like a Rock" really sucked. I acknowledged it sucked, but I didn't feel ashamed of it because it's a transitional fic. Nothing I ever write will be "good," because "good" translates to finished. Nothing is ever finished. I forgot how nice it is to be compelled by the love of a character to write a fic, rather than an enticing idea or the need to exorcise creative demons. I have enjoyed writing YnM a great deal, and it's so much easier to insert tension because the tension is already there! How novel. I've been writing for politically driven plotlines for far too long. ^_^;;

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about fandom right now. This is a rare moment indeed.

Yami no Matsuei has officially taken over my life in tsunami form and left no survivors for the most part. The reason I have lost my mind is that I wrote my first fanfic and posted it. You know, where people can see it.

I still don't know what came over me aside from sheer insanity and absolute shamelessness. O_o I've been working on this damn fic for about three days now though, and I realized that it was finally done. It wasn't that great, but maybe my next one will be better. I will say this: working with a character driven story rather than politically driven story makes for a lot more obvious character tension. I'm so used to working hard for interpersonal tension, that I almost go way OOC in YnM fics because my first impulse is to devise a way to create that tension. But it's already there! Wow, that's novel. ^_^

So, yes, I have lost my mind, though I am totally digging Watari & Tatsumi right now.

My next scary feat: someone challenged me to write an HP fic. I don't do Harry Potter slash. EVER. But I guess this challenge isn't really slash.

This is what comes of going to college with fanfic writers. ^_^

I just re-watched Yami no Matsuei for the second time today. I am officially in love with this anime. Post-marathon, I spent the remainder of my class free day reading YnM fanfic and trying to search for lemons that aren't horrible Tsuzuki induced forays into various guilt trips and whatnot. Praise recommendation sites is all I can say. ^_^

I am seriously obsessing now. I *must* read the manga for this series. As for the anime, it's just so beautiful, and the music as well. Episode 9 has gotten me everytime... that soundtrack will be mine. If I have a mind to, I'd like to try my hand at some fanfic. What pairing however, I have no idea. At first I loved Tsuzuki/Hisoka, but now that the actual fanfiction that I've read has warped my mind, I am effectively repelled. I'll have to re-watch the series again to get the fuzzy feeling of Hisoka/Tsuzuki goodness. However, Watari/Tatsumi has been intriguing me, and quite suddenly about five minutes (literally) ago, I read a snippet of something that started to draw me toward Tatsumi/Tsuzuki. Ah, the endless possibilities.

I feel like like I've been married to the same cast of five characters for the last three years, and now I'm having a scandalous affair with a cast of four hot angels of death. Oh yeah, baby.

Because I'm bored and avoiding real work. And because I just wrote an extremely long e-mail about fic, so it's on my brain.

( 2003 Writing Meme )

Wow, I've been out of the LJ game on the GW end for a while. Well, if anyone is reading, I just want to let people know that I'm not dead. I just haven't had time to write GW fic lately, though I have had a few ideas.

I've been trying to catch up with friends entries, but I'm not making a whole lot of progress.

I think semester finals is what results in half of the missing people on milk cartons. ^_^

This weekend has been long and full of thought. A few things have occurred: my love of FF7 Turk yaoi has been reawakened quite substantially, I am now obsessed with Yaoi no Matsuei, and I wrote a fluffy ficlet. Keywords being "fluffy" and "ficlet" in the same sentence; the world is officially ending. I'm waiting for the meteors to start hitting the Earth.

I am feeling drained and full of thought at the same time. I've forgotten what it's like to be alone for a good reason, and now I find myself thinking that being alone isn't strength so much as it is fear. Perhaps not fear of the human race, but fear of losing oneself. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts were purer and clearer before I ever came to college; I feel more petty here, more predisposed to melodrama and self indulgence than I ever did when I was living in the old hometown.

There is no atmosphere here to observe and absorb; you either participate and absorb life that way or watch from afar without ever gaining any knowledge of what's happening. I miss watching and participating indirectly in at least some things, particularly in every day life. Upstate I could walk around a city and be alone and yet still feel distinctly as if I was a part of something. Lately, if I'm not busy, I feel lost.

This would be a great time for a drink; I feel as tightly wound up as a spring.

This is an amazing cover of "Tourniquet." Absolutely bloody amazing!

I'm losing my ability to discern between the urge to share something and the urge not to. I feel as if the former calm I had finally achieved within myself is slipping out of my grasp again. Why, I am unsure. Perhaps it is because my head is rarely clear of personal petty anxieties which are really a waste of mental time.

I have been writing, though I feel like it's time to regain my former composure where suckiness is concerned. I feel as if all of my good reasons I had before for being able to write again are dissipating into this haze of ridiculous self-indulgent unease.

I need to step back and put things into perspective again.

I'm not quite sure what's come over me suddenly. I find myself seeking out FF7 Turk yaoi! This hasn't occurred in nearly two years. I am bemused by this turn of brain activity.

A plot bunny has been tickling my gray matter for about two weeks now. I tried to mold it to fit GW since that's what I've been writing, but it could only ever fit a Reno/Rude fic. I may need to write it before I go insane. ^_^;

Hello re-awakened obsessions!

Wow, I haven't sat in a diner until 4 a.m. talking about random stuff for like, two years. Now I'm a tad tired, but I'm so happy it's the weekend. I need a break. This week has been absolutely insane, and I haven't had any time to do anything that doesn't involve school work. I was considering going into NYC this weekend, back to the Met, to try and do this damn term paper that I am avoiding like the plague.

Or maybe I'll just lounge around and be a sloth. Finish the 2+4 that I started, watch Mildred Pierce, look for more Marilyn Monroe memorabilia. My obsession is slowly starting to move into Jimmy Stewart areas now though; I must watch the Philadelphia Story. It is now a requirement to live after seeing "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" and crying like a little girl about a filibuster. Wow, I'm a political geek.

Now, after random babbling, the Friday Five stolen from damoyre who it seems I have been yanking a lot of stuff from lately. ^_^

( Friday Five )

Swiped this off of damoyre.

I don't twitch. ...Really!

I'm going to write a Catherine slut fic. No idea why this has been appealing to me, but I was listening to "The Wrong Band" by Tori Amos and thought it would be interesting if Cathy got around. It would be a sort of experiment with her and Trowa's relationship. I'm in the mood for unorthodox pairing fics, platonic-weirdness or otherwise yaoi-weirdness. Yay for GW fic weirdness.

This morning, an idea for a 2x4 with drunk Duo slipped into my head. Oddness abound. Need to stop lacing my tea with crack.

Hmm... alrighty.



You are a siren.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

Being a writer and a reader is like having two split personalities in my head battling it out. The reader is an objective and nice companion, level headed and wonderfully balanced lacking neuroses, jealousy or comparison. I like the reader and we get along quite well; occasionally the reader in me will want to write something, which is fine, just as a layperson who wants to talk philosophy with no basis with which to base his thoughts on.

The writer is constantly being told that he is not a writer, to shut-up and stop babbling like a child in a temper tantrum. The writer is destruction of sense and rationale, the ultimate betrayal of the reader whose prime custom is wrought from decorum. The writer wants to write; he wants to write letters in terrible fits of emotional rage and dire adulation, he wants to have insight, he wants to define writer as a sacred term and then think that he is a writer. The writer in me is a pain in the ass and I want him off my back.

The writer and the reader make up my creative personality; I think that's why I stopped writing for such a long time. I'd rather be the reader for many reasons.